brass monkey

4 Jun

“Ummm, bag check.”
+ Those are paintings in there.. I have like 16 mini 4x4s as a birthday present.
Well damn. Ignore me then, fine. Asshole.

More whispering.. “Yea. Bag check. Something’s in here.” And of all things, my tiny clutch was taken behind the table. I watched in awe as I had never really surveyed those x-ray screens. It’s the coolest shit ever: clothing shows up as peach-orange outlines, metals show up opaque green, and other hard stuff shows up cyan blue.

Did I get stopped for the weed in my jeans pocket? No.
The lighter in my patent chain clutch? No.
The glass pipes in my LeSportSac duffle? Pppffftthh.


I get stopped for my 3-finger ring.

“Miss, these are brass knuckles.”
+ Those are completely not brass knuckles, lady. They totally have rhinestones on them.
“These are brass knuckles. And if you want them you have to check this bag.” This bitch.

Beyonce’s pianist, Brittani, gave me that duffle in exchange for a painting. Fuuuuuuck no. Plus, what the hell do I look like paying to keep my own shit that I’m so-called not supposed to have.. that makes no sense lady. That’s legal robbery. Niggas, please stay in school and learn your way around shit like this.

*For further clarification on what a niggard is, Webster’s Oxford English Dictionary says it’s a stupid person.

+ Lady, you just said those were weapons, why would I pay $25 to keep my weapons on me? Just confiscate them and you can pay me $50.
(They were $18 each from Urban Outfitters, but dammit I had to pay tax.)

“IF YOU WANT THESE YOU HAVE TO CHECK YOUR BAG.” Like a bitch would say.
+ If you just want them you can keep them, I just need my $50 and everything’s okay, I dared her.

I think that pissed her off. They ran my bag once again through security and I think every single person in the lines was waiting for me to act real colored.. but I learned to let shit go a looooong time ago.

Right after I coolly asked the guy at the x-ray computer who was planning on writing me a check for reimbursement, that rude lady walked right up behind me and threw my rings at me, yelling “MY MANAGER OVERTURNED MY DECISION” and stomped off.. like I ruined HER day.

I said it out loud: “That’s what I fucking THOUGHT!” and I left it there, because you can get arrested just for looking like a crazy motherfucker these days.

You know what I got stopped for last time? Forget that I had weed residue all in my macbook hard case.. They were more fixated with the fact that I had put some flip flops in the same big ass bin as a computer. Like I’m just stupid enough to put my plans of mass destruction in my fucking shoes. I think to myself all the time: shit, if people want to get at you, they will. So you gotta make sure you live your life right and accept the things your ass can’t change.


**probably a random shot from a NiceGuys party last year

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5 Responses to “brass monkey”

  1. yolanda rush June 10, 2010 at 4:40 PM #

    you’re out of control and i love it! good work.

  2. Kittie June 4, 2010 at 9:03 PM #

    Charly…you are SO beautiful and fierce and wise and wonderful!! I love everything about you and am humbled to know you. You’re also a dumbass who will wind up in federal prison some day because of your big fucking mouth…call me and I’ll bail your ass out, k??

  3. Sean Padilla June 4, 2010 at 5:37 PM #

    Three comments:

    1) The so-called “tightening” of airport security post-9/11 is a farce.

    2) This post is hilarious.

    3) I love your tattoos.

  4. Brook Lynn Monroe June 4, 2010 at 2:44 PM #

    Hahahahaha i am crackin up

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